Essential knowledge for second hand booksellers

Things I never knew I needed to know

Jewellery and Rings

Woman walked into my bookshop one afternoon.

“Have you got any rings”

“Rings madam?” says I (Come on then – what would you say?)

“Yes, rings – the charity shops are closed – I need some rings and don’t know where to go – I’m new to Salisbury.”

“This is a bookshop Madam.”

She may be selling - but the frustration is similar! ...

“But I want to buy a ring.”

“How about a jewellers madam.”

“Do you think so ? – I’ll try that then”

And she walked out.

Essential hairdressing knowledge

A woman of a certain age walks into the shop, and approaches me with a “hello, I know you are busy”

I instantly suspected a sale pitch, but no. She then asked.

“Do you have a book for thickening up hair ?”

I looked suitably blank (not having a clue what she was talking about).

“My sister is getting on, and has a bald patch, and I want a book which explains how to thicken her hair… I’d pay anything for it”

A fine quiff is essential in any bookshop

“Ah, do you mean a book about hairdressing madam ?”

“Not really, I don’t want to do hairdressing, I just want to know how to thicken my sister’s hair”

I suggested that it might be easier to just ask a hairdresser for advice, which she thought was a jolly good idea, and set off to obtain immediately.

A Little Vague

A lady once walked into the bookshop keen to expand her knowledge of Welsh history.

“Hello, I was watching an interesting programme with Simon Schama on the History Channel last night. He was talking about the history of Wales, and carrying a book. Can you get me a copy of it please.”

Now people, you just KNOW that he didn’t have any clues about author or title. The only extra bit of information I managed to get was “It might have been a Penguin”

Some people are never satisfied .

So here I am, polishing my leather with gay abandon, when a chap walks in.
He starts with the preliminary introduction of “Do you Sell books?”

I resist scornful comments about generally being more of an exhibition or library and say yes, we do try to. Then announces that he needs a copy of a woodcut. Particularly, it must be mid eighteenth century, by a botanical artist rather than an illustrator, and must be of an Oak leaf, and an acorn.

This sounds fairly specific to me – so it is with joy in my heart, and a slightly smug and self satisfied spring in my step that I go straight to the “Illustrators of Oak Leaves” department, where I find a perfect original print of an Oak Leaf, botanically produced, with an acorn to the side and a cross section of both Leaf and Acorn (let me know If I am boring you!!). Beautiful condition, printed in 1750 (For the less historical of you, the is about as “middle of the Eighteenth Century” as it is possible to get). And best of all, £4.

Just not Oak Leafy enough!

I show this to the chap. Of course you have already figured what is coming next………

“It’s not quite what I had in mind”

I can now feel a wave of the Little Britain “Shop of Horrors” sketch or perhaps Basil in full Fawlty Towers flow hovering over me. It was all I could do to resist shouting at him

If you don’t know who this is then your life is not complete. If you do - please have him making the rant below.

 “What the f*&&K do you mean it’s not what you had in mind – Not Oaky enough for you? Want something a little less Acorny? Leave now and encumber my bookshop no more with your fetid presence” 

but I settled with a “Sorry that’s the best I can do”.

(Sobs sadly into his coffee mug and dreams of normal people.)

The Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth

I was asked recently how much of the blog I had made up / invented.

Now, much as I would be the last person to let truth get in the way of a good story, I can assure you all, that I have no need to exaggerate or make anything up. These people are real, and the things they come out with are real. I have witnesses !